I had been wanting to write a dirty song for a long time, so when the authors of the 2012 Quadrangle Club Revels told me they needed a song about an incestuous relationship between an aunt and her nephew, I jumped at the chance. It’s probably good that I got it out of my system.
In this song, the aunt describes her nephew (who has gone missing) to an ace private eye. The song also needed to contain reference to Greek gods, and the aunt is a Latvian countess. Again, I can not stress enough that I do not create the plots for these shows:
HE’S AWFULLY TALL
WITH CURLY HAIR
SHAVEN FACE
WITH SKIN SO FAIR
THAT WHEN YOU CARESS IT
YOU FEEL LIKE YOU’RE STROKING A CHILD
HIS CHEST IS BROAD
HIS LEGS ARE LONG
HIS WAIST IS TIGHT
HIS ARMS ARE STRONG
AND WHEN THEY HOLD YOU
THEY MAKE YOUR WHOLE BODY GO WILD
OH HOW HE’S GROWN
FROM A LAD TO A TALL, CHARMING MISTER
AND WHO’D HAVE KNOWN
THAT HE’D BE THE SON OF MY SISTER
HIS EYEBROWS ARE DARK
HIS PUPILS ARE BLACK
THERE’S A LITTLE BROWN MARK
ON THE SMALL OF HIS BACK
AND WHEN YOU BLOW ON IT
YOU’LL SEE HOW HE REALLY GETS RILED
A GOD ON EARTH
AND A NEW GOLDEN AGE IS UPON US
AND SINCE HIS BIRTH
HE’S BEEN OUR FAMILY TREE’S OWN ADONIS
HIS EYES WHEN THEY SMILE
HIS LIPS WHEN THEY KISS
THE LOOK ON HIS FACE
WHEN IT’S BRIMMING WITH BLISS
WELL I’VE TOLD YOU A LOT
BUT THERE’S ONE THING LEFT TO DESCRIBE
‘CAUSE IF YOU HAD SEEN US
YOU’D THINK YOU SHOULD WEAN US
THERE’S SOMETHING BETWEEN US
THAT MAKES ME HIS VENUS
IT’S THE SIZE AND THE STRENGTH
AND THE SHAPE AND THE LENGTH OF HIS
EARLOBE